It's a danger that reaches into every aspect of modern communication: apostrophe abuse. Every day, thousands of innocent apostrophes vanish, leaving the words where they lived bereft of meaning. They're not even safe at Amazon.

When they do turn up, they're typically enslaved into the service of some inappropriate word. Witness the well-meaning "it's" used as a possessive, as in "an apostrophe worth it's weight in gold." Oh, the humanity.

Equally as disturbing is the random appearance of these humble punctuation marks in places an apostrophe should never go -- the dark, dank underbelly of words that are neither possessives nor contractions. "We have dictionary's for sale!" (Don't try that at home.) Makes me wonder if perhaps there's been an appropriation for apostrophes in the president's new stimulus package, and now we have to use them up. (Hey, why not? It includes funding for a butterfly garden in Florida -- why can't they back a few apostrophes? Commas, however, may be excessive.)

Enough of the abuse. Apostrophes, unite and proclaim your simple truths:

• Aside from the possessive kind (you know who you are), an apostrophe is just a placeholder for a letter or two that, for simplicity's sake or dialect, has been left out.
  • "Can't" is just "cannot," where the apostrophe stands in for "no."
  • "Isn't" is just "is not" with an apostrophe instead of an "o."
  • "This post's crazy" has an apostrophe marking the absence of an "i" in "post is."
  • "Ain't" is...well, I don't care what the dictionary says about common usage. It ain't a word.

• Apostrophes do NOT (or at least, should not) indicate plurals of anything.
  • "Way too many mention's of apostrophe's in this post" is just wrong, on so many levels.
  • Same with "$20 million dollar's for the removal of small- to medium-sized fish passage barrier's" (from the original stimulus package, by the way).

• In the case of possessives, think of that little arc as a hand trying to hang onto something -- owning it.
  • "Florida's butterfly park"
  • "Our nation's mounting debt"

Next time you feel compelled to abuse an apostrophe, stop. Get ahold of yourself. Look bravely in the mirror and say to yourself:

• "Can I take away the apostrophe and still make sense without additional words?" If the answer's "yes," STEP AWAY FROM THE APOSTROPHE. It's probably trying to be too possessive, in which case you are being abused by it.
• "If I stick an 'i' in for the apostrophe in 'it's,' does the sentence make sense?" If so, leave that lovely little curl where it is. It's a placeholder. It's -- "it is" -- keeping the t and the s from blurring into some nonsensical possessive mush ("its"), which, in a perverse turn of the English language, also can be a possessive without an apostrophe. Hence all the confusion.
• "If in doubt, leave it out." That's pretty much what the British government has decided, for better or worse.

As always, if you have a grammar or punctuation dilemma, please feel free to post it in the comments. I'll (as in, "I will") do my best to help.